Leaving On a Jet Plane
*sings* ...don't know when I'll be back again. That song always comes to mind when I'm about to announce that I'm off again. he..he.. And yes, I'm about to go off again. Back down to Sydney to be exact for Winter Camp.
I wasn't actually going to go coz' as y'all know I was planning to go to Brazil (remember?). But a few weeks ago when I was right in the middle of that extra awful week (wait, I think that was actually three extra awful weeks) and I found out that the medication wasn't working it's grand cure on me, I realised that Brazil was just a dream--nothing more. I thought I was going to be well again by my birthday, but right now it doesn't even look like I'll be getting any school work done this year.
I don't understand. I honestly and truly don't understand. I'm a nut about travel, yet in these last three years I've only been able to hop onto an over-seas plane once. I want to learn so many things, yet I haven't even been able to do school for over six months, neveralone take a photography or design course. I love to encourage and help people, yet the only such words I seem to see these days are the ones said to me.
Why, God? Why? Why? Why? For goodness sakes just look at how this post has gone. I was kinda of laughing to start with, now I'm in tears. Why? Why is my life like this? Why is it I'm forced to exchange a six week missions trip for a four day camp? Why is it I suddenly have a fever like when a GF relapse is coming on two days before I go away? Why?
I know you're leading me. But, Lord, right now I feel lost.
What is it you want me to learn? I'm coming back to you. I'm trying to simply smile and glorify you even when I can't do anything else. Why more of this then? I know I asked you to break me. I know I keep asking you to fill me up so that it's only You that spills out of me. I know I asked You to humble me. But, oh Lord...I feel so ashamed to asked, but inside of my head I'm asking it already--how much longer? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. This waiting; this suspenced between living once and living someday; being in this tear filled emptiness. How much longer?
I know I'll only know the answer when the end has come, but until then please hold me Jesus. Hold me. 'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
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