Happy Dead
Is typing to the background music of: Colin Buchanan (that one CD that the little boys have played every night for the last three odd months as they're going to sleep...) *feels voilent*
Hmm...somehow I feel a big explanation coming on. Eeks. I'm sure y'all know I've been on medicatino for my thyroid problem. Well...wait, lets backtrack. January of this year we finally found out that I had Glandular Fever and Wilsons Thyroid Syndrome. Now, as y'all know, when you have a fever you have a high temperature, and that can be rather detrimental to your health. It's exactly the same if you're temperature is lower than average (37.0 Celsius). They actually say that if you're temperature drops all the way to 34.0 you can start getting brain damage.
Anyhow, the top one syndrome that proves that you have WTS is a low body temperature. When I took mine for a whole week straight, I found that it was sometimes as low as 35.4 :S The whole idea, then, is to get your temperature back up to around 37.0 and you're well again. To do this you take T3 which stimulates the thyroid.
I began taking it around the first week of February. Sixteen weeks later my temperature hadn't moved much above 36.0, and all of my symptons were worse. Why, you guys know the emotional wreck I turned into...I couldn't sleep (somehow I figure my body can't hack the "stimulation"); so because I couldn't sleep my body was even more exhausted and the headaches moved on into migraine territory; and when you're flat on your back in bed, having to listen to a CD you've already heard twice that day, and can't even sleep because of the pain, it's like giving depression a straight out invitation to come visit. And it did.
The weird part of all this is I didn't realise at first what was happening. I guess, because T3 is suppose to be the grand cure that we just didn't quite believe that it could have such a bad effect. And also because I had to start on a really low dosage of T3 and gradually build up the amount I was taking, I didn't at first realise that everything was getting worse. Things never do when they happen so gradually.
What happened was I reached such a high dosage of T3 (160mcg to be exact--when I'd begun at 10mcg) that I just couldn't keep going. So about two weeks ago, I began to like "wean" myself off the T3, and for a whole week there I actaully slept. It was so much like I used to be back before February--a cat. I'd sit down to watch the movie that was playing and would nod off, and I'd sit on my bed for a minute and wake up three hours later to smell tea cooking. The best part was that because I was sleeping so much my headaches weren't so bad and I had a little bit of energy the few hours after I woke back up again. I probably would have told you all this then, except that my grandparents were here then and I was busy hanging out with them :)
I'd had an idea that maybe it was the T3 that was making things worse...but just to make sure, I went back onto it last week. Boy, did I not cope :| I read a testimony from a lady up on the WTS site ages ago about how she used to cry every day before she began taking T3 (she got better within about a month or two like most people do), and ever since I got back from that last Sydney trip (except for that one week when Grandma and Grandpa were here) I seemed to be doing the same.
About three days ago I had to face up to myself and Mum and admit: "I just can't do this anymore..." So, I turned off my alarm clock (I was having to take the tablets every 12 hours right on the dot to try and keep the T3 level balance), and pushed the tablet bottles to the back of my sidetable. But as always with my body, it's just not predictable. As some kind of retaliation to not taking my tablets it gave me two days of migraine war. Jolly worse than being on the T3.
Yesteday and today haven't been so bad, though, and I'm finding it slightly easier to sleep again. The big difference though is just my emotional stability. Dad asked me just before tea how I was going, and I was like, "Not so bad, actually. I have a pretty bad headache, but all day I've felt kinda happy."
"Like happy dead?", he asked.
I smiled. "Yeah, I guess..."
He kind of chuckled. "So, you're happy dead off the T3, but dead dead on it?"
Four whole months...and it took us everyone of those 16 weeks just to realise that. It feels like the whole last four months have been a waste of time--and money. And we're really not sure what to do now. I rang up to make an appointment with my Dr., but she's so booked up that it looks like I won't be able to talk to her until the 9th of June (two weeks away).
I truly don't know whats going to happen...until we can get my temperature back up I'm not going to get any better, but how on earth can I do that on medication that turns me into such a wreck in the process? I don't know. I truly don't know. Then as Jolene's phrase goes: "but I know You, Lord." The only security that I can find right now is in knowing that even when life doens't make a lick of sense to me, it makes perfect sense to God. And that He's with me: right here beside me; right under this pounding rain; right in these hot flames.
But now, this is what the LORD says--
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
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