Visiting Around
Ok, so this is alot of posts in such a short amount of time (for me anyway), but you'll just have to deal with it :P And just to say what I wanted to:
1. You must hop over to Josh's blog right now and read his first ever song! I'm still speechless...I never knew the little brother who always complained about English could write--at all.
2. And it would appear that Rach & Matt are finally beginning to post on their website! So, you all must go over and plague them with welcome comments ;)
3. Oh, and I WON! That's one of the Rich Mullins CDs that I was bidding on, on eBay, that is ;)All mine! Mine, mine, mine, mine *continues singing* I can't believe how nerve racking it can be just sitting there for the last hour; continuingly refreshing the page; and hoping that no psycho hops in at the last moment and bids way above you. lol So, on top of The World As Best As I Remember It: Vol 2, I know have Never Picture Perfect also on it's way in the mail. Instead of from the states, however, this ones from Canada. Though, the ultimate should be when I manage to win Songs: the Best Of from the Netherlands!
The worse hour is going to be tomorrow morning as the Pictures in the Sky CD comes to it's end...it's the one Rich Mullins CD that I absolutely want. It was released the year before I was born, and seeings as Rich died 7 years ago, it's been out of print for ages. And it's already had 15 bids on it *begins to chew her nails* Wait, I don't chew my nails...ok *begins to get real cold hands* If any of you love me more than I know, I promise to send you a million hugs and chocolate kisses if you'll buy it for me *grins persuasively*
4. Also, if you haven't already read my "Happy Dead" post, then please plan to do so very soon. It's kind of important in relation to understanding where I am at the moment, 'kay? Awesome! You're a legend--whomever you may be.
A Verse and a Quote
I just wrote this up as a part of a reply to a quiz on the SL forum, and figured it belonged on here too :D
A Verse: I found this verse this morning whilst reading my Bible and was like, "Wow!" I've always loved the poem Footprints where it says at the end that God carries us through the tough times, but I always thought that was just more "poetic" than anything. But God said so Himself!
"I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you."
-Isaiah 46:4b
And a Quote: I particulary love this quote because I once saw a photo of Eleanor Roosevelt sitting amongst a huge group of soldiers--laughing. Underneath the photo the captian explained how even though she had a rough marriage and wasn't very pretty, she had learnt to be confidant and keep on smiling. It's these few words of hers that remind me to do just that.
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Jolly American Accents
* Aussie to Yankee Phone Call
The news of the day is how I eventually dragged myself out of bed on a frost-bitin' winter morning to grab the phone, sos I could call the lovely, darling Jolene R! Lucky for me we have a cordless phone that let me hop straight back into bed (ooooh, my bed) and also I somehow managed to get the time difference right so that I wasn't ringing at midnight (no mention of a certain other occurance...). I can't believe the accent! Like, man, I thought Northerners had the barest accents of all of American, and yet here Jolene comes on and she has this real thick Yankee accent.
Aargh, we've off to Lumbys Tank for a real quick picnic. I'll come finish this later. Sonrisa!
Happy Dead
Is typing to the background music of: Colin Buchanan (that one CD that the little boys have played every night for the last three odd months as they're going to sleep...) *feels voilent*
Hmm...somehow I feel a big explanation coming on. Eeks. I'm sure y'all know I've been on medicatino for my thyroid problem. Well...wait, lets backtrack. January of this year we finally found out that I had Glandular Fever and Wilsons Thyroid Syndrome. Now, as y'all know, when you have a fever you have a high temperature, and that can be rather detrimental to your health. It's exactly the same if you're temperature is lower than average (37.0 Celsius). They actually say that if you're temperature drops all the way to 34.0 you can start getting brain damage.
Anyhow, the top one syndrome that proves that you have WTS is a low body temperature. When I took mine for a whole week straight, I found that it was sometimes as low as 35.4 :S The whole idea, then, is to get your temperature back up to around 37.0 and you're well again. To do this you take T3 which stimulates the thyroid.
I began taking it around the first week of February. Sixteen weeks later my temperature hadn't moved much above 36.0, and all of my symptons were worse. Why, you guys know the emotional wreck I turned into...I couldn't sleep (somehow I figure my body can't hack the "stimulation"); so because I couldn't sleep my body was even more exhausted and the headaches moved on into migraine territory; and when you're flat on your back in bed, having to listen to a CD you've already heard twice that day, and can't even sleep because of the pain, it's like giving depression a straight out invitation to come visit. And it did.
The weird part of all this is I didn't realise at first what was happening. I guess, because T3 is suppose to be the grand cure that we just didn't quite believe that it could have such a bad effect. And also because I had to start on a really low dosage of T3 and gradually build up the amount I was taking, I didn't at first realise that everything was getting worse. Things never do when they happen so gradually.
What happened was I reached such a high dosage of T3 (160mcg to be exact--when I'd begun at 10mcg) that I just couldn't keep going. So about two weeks ago, I began to like "wean" myself off the T3, and for a whole week there I actaully slept. It was so much like I used to be back before February--a cat. I'd sit down to watch the movie that was playing and would nod off, and I'd sit on my bed for a minute and wake up three hours later to smell tea cooking. The best part was that because I was sleeping so much my headaches weren't so bad and I had a little bit of energy the few hours after I woke back up again. I probably would have told you all this then, except that my grandparents were here then and I was busy hanging out with them :)
I'd had an idea that maybe it was the T3 that was making things worse...but just to make sure, I went back onto it last week. Boy, did I not cope :| I read a testimony from a lady up on the WTS site ages ago about how she used to cry every day before she began taking T3 (she got better within about a month or two like most people do), and ever since I got back from that last Sydney trip (except for that one week when Grandma and Grandpa were here) I seemed to be doing the same.
About three days ago I had to face up to myself and Mum and admit: "I just can't do this anymore..." So, I turned off my alarm clock (I was having to take the tablets every 12 hours right on the dot to try and keep the T3 level balance), and pushed the tablet bottles to the back of my sidetable. But as always with my body, it's just not predictable. As some kind of retaliation to not taking my tablets it gave me two days of migraine war. Jolly worse than being on the T3.
Yesteday and today haven't been so bad, though, and I'm finding it slightly easier to sleep again. The big difference though is just my emotional stability. Dad asked me just before tea how I was going, and I was like, "Not so bad, actually. I have a pretty bad headache, but all day I've felt kinda happy."
"Like happy dead?", he asked.
I smiled. "Yeah, I guess..."
He kind of chuckled. "So, you're happy dead off the T3, but dead dead on it?"
Four whole months...and it took us everyone of those 16 weeks just to realise that. It feels like the whole last four months have been a waste of time--and money. And we're really not sure what to do now. I rang up to make an appointment with my Dr., but she's so booked up that it looks like I won't be able to talk to her until the 9th of June (two weeks away).
I truly don't know whats going to happen...until we can get my temperature back up I'm not going to get any better, but how on earth can I do that on medication that turns me into such a wreck in the process? I don't know. I truly don't know. Then as Jolene's phrase goes: "but I know You, Lord." The only security that I can find right now is in knowing that even when life doens't make a lick of sense to me, it makes perfect sense to God. And that He's with me: right here beside me; right under this pounding rain; right in these hot flames.
But now, this is what the LORD says--
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Commonly Unique
Something I keep realising again and again right now, is how unique each of us is--yet how much the same too.
On random impulse I popped over to Ruth Ann's blog just a moment ago. It had been a while since my last visit and so I just kind of kept reading, until eventually I hit the last post on the page. In it she quoted some verses from Isaiah 43 (*my* chapter at the moment), and also made a small analogy about how God has "got us", how He's holding us. We might be going through the fire, but even when right in the very hottest of these flames, He promises we won't get burnt.
These had been my exact same thoughts yesterday.
Then the day before that I found that Jolene had written my thoughts yet again for me. Nearly word for word...
Just between Ruth Ann, Jolene, and I we each have a unique "fire" that we're walking through; yet we're each experiencing similiar emotions, each finding similiar answers from God.
Looking around, I see it's the same everywhere. It's like God has created some sure things in this life. Some things like emotions and the answers to our problems don't seem to change. Between everone human on this spinning planet these things don't seem to change. They're common.
The intricate weaves of each of our lives are totally unique, though. My fire at the moment is physical; Jolene's is the future; and Ruth Anns something different yet again.
It all reminds me of a cool song that I heard by a Swedish band when I was down in Tassy last. Singing acapala (sp?), the group described the common ins and outs of each of our lives, then concluded in the chorus that we're "all commonly unique." And I can't help thinking that we are.
Once Again
I went to post, popped into Jolene's blog first, and found that she'd stolen the words right out of my heart--again. Seriously, dearie, you've got to stop doing this or I'm going to begin to freak, thinking that I'm posting things under anothers name when I'm unconscious.
~~~
Truth is, I'm just...tired. I get a substantial amount of sleep--usually--but it's more than just physical tiredness. I'm tired spiritually and mentally. You could almost say I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of trying, tired of not trying, tired of crying, and tired of staring out of the windows of the emotionless absence. And tired of waiting. So tired of waiting.
Tired of watching other people's lives unfold with so many promises, with so much to look forward to, with certainty and purpose. I'm tired of watching everyone else smile while the tears run down my face. I'm tired of standing here in this grey corner while the world passes me by. I'm tired of hearing people talking about all the great opportunities they've had, all the wonderful things that have happened to them. I try to be happy for people, especially people I love, but it's just so hard. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and cry.
~~~
The Most Precious Gift
As most of you know, I'm currently acting as Matt's so-called "secretary" whilst he's doing missions work in Zambia. Well, today he received this e-mail from a guy in the Phillipines (last year Matt began a self-supporting business for a local pastor over there). Written in broken English, it was one of the most encouraging notes I've read sent to Matt yet.
I don't think it was because it was any different to other encouraging notes people have sent him, as condensed into a sentence it mostly just said, "I wanted to let you know that I know of your ministry. I'm praying for you." It was the most encouraging because not only would that short note have taken him alot of effort to write, but because I saw the everyday words of encouragement in a different way. I saw them in broken English.
I think it's very easy to see words of encouragment and read them as you would a cliche. The line, "I'll be praying for you" is a regular coming out of our mouths and also a common phrase that we hear.
Being so close to a mission situation and regularly sharing to people about it, I hear the phrase "Well, I'll definitely be parying for him." alot. The part that saddens me is that I know that person doesn't really mean it. Sure they might send off a quick thought to God about it a couple of times in the next week, but seriously how many of us who say that one phrase really take the time out to sit down and truly pray for that person every day for a whole month? I, myself, would have to join the large majority who admitted, "I don't." And I'm utterly ashamed.
Because Matt isn't able to read or reply to his e-mail very often, I sent a short reply back to that man telling him I'd added him to the mail-out list. At the bottom I thanked him for keeping Matt in his prayers; then as I suddenly realised what I just wrote above, I added, "It's the most precious gift you could give him."
To Matt, I know it is. At the beginning of this year, when we were frantically trying to raise support for him, I remember him telling me over and over again, "You know what, Lyd, I realise now that it's the people who promise to pray that are the most important. I don't care if God doesn't provide all of the money right now, as long as there's heaps of people praying, then I know that things will go where God wants them to."
And things truly have been going only where God could have led them. All the jaw-dropping stories of how God provided all the necessary funds, and all the stories of what's been happening over in Zambia would fill a book.
Prayer breaks up mountains, it stops the sun, it humbles kings, it gives hope, "it availiths much", and yet it costs nothing to give. All you have to do is send a note to God, and you've given someone the most precious gift of all--you've placed them into God's hands. The very hands of Love.
I've Decided
...that I dislike mood swings. The other night had to have been the first time I've quite literally cried myself to sleep. I just get so depressed and sick of everything. I get so frustrated because I can't stop it. The depression sprouts from my thyroid not working; it takes root as I begin to get annoyed at not being able to do somethings; and it blossoms into a full-grown terror as I discover I don't have the power to stop it from beginning. If I knew it was all inside my head I'd be able to conquer it, but because it's from this it's FRUSTRATING. I can't stop it. I don't even have control over my daily routine. I feel like someone's cut my mooring ropes and that I'm now lost, helplessly being buffeted at the slightest whim of the sea. Laughing and joyful as I help Mum and Grandma make tea one moment--only to want to scream, sleep, and cry all at once as I feel the exhaustion and fatigue flood through me a moment later.
Quote of the Moment
~~~
Maybe I've gotten too good at hiding...
~~~
Jolene
As it is
I want to hide. I want to run away. I just wish I could escape. And not because my outside life is bad. I'm probably one of the luckiest teens. I have cool parents who are both good friends. I love all my siblings. I have a soft comfy bed that I couldn't imagine living without. I get to live on a station and ride motorbikes, drive tractors, move huge mobs of sheep, and generally be the only female out mustering amongst five odd rough-and-tumble males. Maybe that explains why sometimes a group of five females in one room can frustrate me to no end.
It's the inside me that I want to escape from. And not the very inside of me. It's not the regrets. It's not the thoughts in my head. No. What I want to run away from are the parts of me that I don't have all that much control over. I want to escape from this sickness. I want to hide from WTS that has stolen my life, yet left me with just enough of the sweet taste of it in my mouth so that I crave for more.
WTS has some horrendous symptons that on their own only seem minor and everyday. Chronic Fatigue. Headaches. no concentration. Depression. Irritability. Stomach aches and a sore back after eating. Alarming mood-swings. Yet I have a full-years experience to testify that if you combine them all at once for even a week without a short break that one person will want to scream.
Brush those facts aside though...those symptons make up the first floor. The second floor is soley for one sympton that isn't ever listed, but I think is the one of the worse. That is that a person with WTS can hide from others that they have the disease.
It's all so much to explain. My life is so hard to explain. So often I don't even try to explain simply because I don't want sympathy--I want understanding. Mum asks me how I'm going and I try to be honest. I try to explain how I feel, how my night was. But she can only understand so much. I say "tired" and she thinks of what the term tired means to her. She doesn't know my definition. She's never experienced my definition.
Nobody knows the frustration I feel. The frustration that makes me go away and cry because I can't control my emotions. I never had an anger problem. People would tell me in a startling relisation on their part, "You know, I don't think I've ever seen you get upset. You're always so patient." Now, sometimes, I have to leave a room before anyone realises that that teasing comment they just made at me made me want to yell at them. They don't realise that when they tell me on Monday that, "That next newsletter needs to go out this Thursday." That I'll sit down at my desk, see the 26 other stick-it notes I've left myself on my desk, and feel so overwhelmed that I can only sit there and feel the silent screaming of the pain in my head.
Everyone doesn't know. Everyone doesn't understand. And it's not their fault. They can look at me, I'll smile at them and how are you to know? There's always pain in my head. There's always clouds fogging up the passageways in my brain. If I again tell them that the pain and fogginess is still there, how is it any different from when I told them that morning? In truth it isn't any different. That's the point. It never changes. I always feel exhausted after eating tea. How is now different? I'll tell you: it's different because those 26 sticky-notes are still on my desk. It's different because I can't change the situation inside my head. It's different because I have no control and I'm so humiliated that I could cry.
It's humiliating because they remember that yesterday I was able to do some paperwork. And I was. But that's because I do have some resources. I can gather those resources together and get a few small things done. Once those resources are gone, though, they're gone. It's like a little baby who's still learning how to sit up. They can do it for a few minutes, then they topple, and for a time they're back on their belly until their body has mustered enough strength to have another spat at it.
I sat up for five minutes yesterday. It was wonderful. You rejoiced. But today you can't seem to understand why I'm back onto my belly. Please understand that I can't sit up just now. Please give me time. I'll try again. I promise. Just now let me lay here still, my head rested in My Father's lap. I need to cry a little; I need to gather my stength. Soon I'll try again.
But for now just give me time--please just let me cry.
F.I.V.E. QUESTIONS
1. What's on your sidetable? 3 tablet bottles, Hannah's alarm clock (I borrowed it seeings as I began turning my own off in my sleep), doolie and lamp, my latest pay check of $490.00 (just thought y'all might like to know that *looks evil*).
2. What's your favourite voice? The Bug-Eyed-Meanie-Monsters/Stitch
3. What is the main colour you find on the bottles in your shower (white does't count)? Purple! I realised it the other day and was kind of surprised. My shampoo and conditioner bottles have purple on them. My shower gel has a purple lid (well, actually *both* my shower stuff have purple lids), and I think Hannah's body loofah is purple as well.
4. What's the longest you've been without a shower? About 3 weeks. But that's *technically*. I did so call "shower" out of a bucket every day during those three weeks :P
5. What's one interesting/shocking/cool thing that one of your siblings does or has done? Well, Matty hires and works with 30-60 Zambian prisoners nearly every day.
I'll Carry You...and We'll Be Carried On
I"ll Carry You
For all the dear friends in my life who are going through tough times. I'd like to say that I could carry you all the way--like to say that I could wipe away all your tears. But in truth I know that sometimes I'll be crying with you; that I'm here with you in this valley. If we stick together, though, ever holding onto our Father's hand, we may be able to support each other as we walk this long road together.
I know that look in your eyes
I see the pain behind your smile
Please don't hold it all inside
Together we can run
To the finish line
And when you are tired
I'll carry you
I can't walk this road without you
You cannot go it alone
We were never meant to make it on our own
When the load becomes heavy
And your feet too tired to walk
I will carry you and we'll be carried on
Share your burden now
I will listen
And when I'm weak
Will you hold me to the truth
That we can go on, for we are carried
Three strands of chord
Cannot be easily torn...
God will carry us
Before I say one more word
Hear me say I love You
My love comes from a heart that overflows
With love Who fills me
Comforts me
Comforts you,
With arms stretched out He said,
"I'll carry you"
I can't walk this road without you
You cannot go it alone
We were never meant to make it on our own
When the load becomes heavy
And your feet too tired to walk
I will carry you and we'll be carried on
(c)1998 Bibbitsong Music/Up In The Mix Music (BMI). Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing.
As Days Pass By
I'm almost tempted to call this the ultimate update. lol So many little things in life have been happening. This here, that there. It wouldn't make much difference in your life if I didn't tell them, but each in someway has made a difference in mine. So why don't we do my favourite list trick? ;)
* Abscent
The reason I've kind of been abscent lately was firstly because I was extra sick and just had to "escape", but these last few days have been because my wonderful grandparents are here. Plus I've been faithfully slogging away making a so-called website/blog for my darlin' older sister, Tach, and her hubby, Matt. I promise to give you their web address as soon as they begin posting so you can all pop over and plague them with comments ;)
* Odd Site Decor
To explain my stuck-in-mistakes look at the moment. I decided I needed a short break from my purple wildflowers, so I popped up my latest favourtie photo. Then found myself with this ugly green for background accents. In an attempt to fix that I ran into a cul-de-sac and haven't had time to try and climb my way out yet. Unfortunately I hit the Stop button to keep my blog from republishing too late, and so you all have to live with it for the time being.
* Mother's Day!
That one day that always hits you every year when you're not expecting it. lol I always have so much trouble finding the *right* thing that this year the three of us (Josh, Hannah, and I) pooled together and bought her a card that said on the front: "My Mum is Adventurous" and on the inside "thanks for encouraging my sense of adventure". To give her the opportunity to prove she was adventurous we bought her chilli chocolate. The expression on her face was halarious. And just to prove that we aren't cruel children, she actually likes it now.
* Silver Anniversary
As of yesterday my extroidinary, wonderful, wild, insane, loving, fun parents have been married for a total of 25 years! How amazing is that? It's over half of their lifetimes. And to celebrate they're hoping to be able to go over seas in August. Maybe Vanuatu because it's actually cheaper to do a full-fledged trip over there than to go to Western Australian (and more exotic too!). To tell the truth, it'll be the first time my Dad has been out of Austrlia, too.
* New Blogger
Blogger has upgraded and renewed itself. All-over. They now have tons of great templates (If they had have been up when I first signed up I don't think I would have ever taught myself HTML), their own comments, and---yes! So much :D Tach reckons that since I learnt HTML I've tunred into a computer/internet nut...yes, well...I'm hoping to have my own website out on the net in July. Who knows if I can figure out how to use FTP before than, though. *grimaces*
* B'day Wish List
BTW, just so y'all (yes, Kayci, I spelt it without the extra '. And Ruth Ann no comments :P) it's my birthday on July 9th! Because of the blank expression on Mum's face when I asked her what I was getting for my birthday, I've begun a wish list. It does include:
> pistacio nuts
> The Bourne Identity DVD
> Anna & the King, the soundtrack
> money towards a $1,000 camera
> more winter PJs
> Danger in the Shadows by Dee Henderson
> the rest of the O'Malley series by Dee Henderson
> money for a facial or massage
> one year subscription to FTP
> money towards my US of A trip
> flat-screen computer with the works
> peppermint chocolate
Just so you know, I'm also accepting any donations towards my big-stop-in-Brazil-and-Europe trip around the world ;)
In addition I do add...
* Aussie to Texan Phone Call
Please note everyone this great historical moment. Kayci got her first phone call from an Aussie the other day! Yes, it's true. And if you'd also like to claim this same historical moment for yourself, I'm more than happy to help out for the miniscule sum of $6.50 (cost of the phone call that I have to pay :P) and peppermint chocolate. BTW, just to say, we had a fun chat. :D Wasn't it like 2 hours? About 1:00 in the afternoon for me and 11:00am for Kayci. Sorry, babe, obviously we didn't calculate right. I'll try to ring you *much* earlier next time. lol
You're Element is...
You're Element is Earth. You like plants and
flowers and have a very natural looking beauty.
You are a very innocent and maybe naive person
but it's only the erks in this world that take
advantage of you because you are a jewel in
this world of rocks. You have many friends and
they all enjoy you as much as you do them. You
are skilled with your hands and would be able
to last in a more remote home.
What's Your Element (girls)?
And the moment you've all been waiting for...
Drum roll, please. *great rumbling drum roll* The Sydney photos are now up and with miles of comments! So do go over and take a peek.
They are rather late in coming--I know. More than two weeks. Yes, well, all I can say is my life is a mess, it's been a bit busy with having to get a Matty's Mail newsletter out, and I've been an emotional wreck.
Things havn't exactly gone back to a happy mountain top seeings as I woke up--as my Mum took one look at me and put it--"You look sick." And so I felt it. I had one of those headaches that "stings", and my back hurt. By tea time I was running a fever. Right now I'm feeling rather good as I'm high on Panadol (pain-killer). I do hope it's not my Glandular Fever coming back for a visit, and if it is that it won't be a long relapse. Our grandparents come on Sunday (Mother's Day!) and I don't want to be bed-ridden-sick the whole time they're here.
It was Aaron's b'day today. He's now a wildly ecstatic 8 year old. lol He absolutely loves presents and rips the wrapping paper off like he's got to get to the present before some timer goes off. It was only presents though. We plan to have the full-fledged birthday cake night when Grandma and Grandpa are here.
Anyhow, enough of my ramblings. I'm sure you want to run off and see those photos (one particular person I know anyhow ;) BTW, babe, I range Optus today and you won't believe it! But I can ring you for 3 whole hours for only $6.50! *squeals* Mum says I have to pay for it myself, but I figure if you lived in the next town over I'd probably pay like $20 bucks to get to you on the train, so 6 bucks is nothing. AND WE GET A WHOLE THREE HOURS! Okay, normal heart rate now, Lyd...normal heart rate...now, to be able to ring you when you're awake (and without freakin' out your parents if say if was 1:00 in the morning), I'm gonna have to get up before say 12:00, hey? Hmmm....or wait...are you gonna be home tomorrow? :D
My hands are so cold!
Ok, so the titles totally beside the point, but seeings as it's my most-used-MSN-line at the moment it might as well make a showing on my blog.
In other news, however, I've finally finished making up the rest of my "collection" pages! You can now read: Breath of Life, I Saw..., and Flower in the Rain. I also made changes to the Grandpa of My Heart page.
Well, I'm off to get some lunch (yes, at midnight...), and rest my aching head. I might try to somehow bring feeling back into my hands, too.
argh
I'm so sick of being sick.
I could say so much. I'm feeling better and was on top of the world about two hours ago. It was a good-moment. Now I'm back to a bad-moment because of a few simple things...but they still sting and all because I'm sick and can't manage much--if anything--in my life.
Everythings such a mess. 10 whole weeks of being on medication and my life is worse than it was in January. Over a year since I had somewhat of a normal life. I'm just so sick of everything--so sick of being sick.
