...when the mountains look so big...
I lost my temper at the people I was upset with this evening--right in front of them. I know that sounds kind of strange, saying it like that. But I do get upset--contrary to common belief--and I'm just one of those people who are very skilled at not doing it in public.
I won't try to explain the situation and all of it's details. It's just that if I were to explain it, you wouldn't understand I dont' think. And not because it's overly complicated, just because my life is different. So different from even my friends who live on cattle stations, that if I were to try and explain all of it and everything, it would all be a helpless attempt.
I'm still upset...and I'm not sure yet what exactly to do. And I just wanted to ask: would you please play for me? Not just that I'd get better physically, but that until I do I'll be able to deal with getting upset so quickly and this constant onslaught of depression. Right inside--under the fatigue and migraines--I'm simply not coping.
When I'm crying out "why?"; when my life no longer makes sense, it's these two songs written by Rich Mullins that always come back to play in my mind. They give me a tune for the words in my heart.
Hard to Get
You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened in the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know that it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I have figured this, somehow
What I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free from what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All these words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
To where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get
Copyright 1998 - Liturgy Legacy Music / Word Music / ASCAP
Hold Me Jesus
Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
I'm singing hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Copyright 1993 - Edward Grant, Inc.
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