Tumoulin Girl

Wake Me Up Inside

It was strange when we first shifted. I remember feeling like I couldn't think anymore. For the first week I could barely even read a book. It was like the whole inside of me froze and it was just my outside left, walking and talking and doing things.

Now suddenly, after four weeks, it's like I can think again but all is in a jumble and I can't explain anything. People keep asking me how I'm going and I find myself thinking, "You know, I'm not sure. I haven't been thinking about it. I think I'm fine."

Even now I don't know where to go with this post. I'm just sitting here, all these emotions tumbling around inside me. It's like there's something there but I just can't reach it. The real me is there somewhere, lost way down low, and I only wish it would come back.

I don't know anything anymore. I don't know who I am or how I feel. For an afternoon or a day it will be like something familiar comes back, all is well and I'm secure in who I am; and then the setting changes, I'm in the car coming home from church instead of heading towards church and my whole inner self is caving in. I'm living on a merry-go-round where one second I'm whizzing past self-confidence, the next I'm falling off at confusion.

Is this life? Is there anyway to get back on? Is there anyway I can get back to the middle of my being where life spins around me instead of me spinning around helplessly with life?

I think about Europe. I've always wanted to go there. I have no wish to visit as a tourist; I'd like to stay there for a year or two, get a job, meet people and go to church. I'd like to live in Europe and be a part of it. One way I imagine myself doing this is sitting in the cafes. I thought that maybe I could do it here but it doesn't feel right. It has to be a cafe in a big city beside a busy street to work. No one would know me then, the throng would leave me inconspicuous and no passing person would even remember my face. Somehow life seems easier when I think of it in this way. There would be no expectations. I could laugh and cry without having to explain to anyone why.

Whoever said one can be lonely in the middle of a crowd was right. There's a solace in isolation and as I spin and fall so endless the safety of it's animosity beckons. Not so much because I hate right now, I don't think I do. I don't hate that we've shifted; in fact, it's exciting and ultimately I do love it. Maybe it's just overwhelming.

I remember writing a little while ago---probably more recently than I remember--about needing to calm down and simplify my life so I could give the myriade of coulours spinning about me time to meld and join together. Right now I only wish the picture would form. My brain would cease to spin, the random mix of emotions inside would calm, and exhausted I would lay my head down and rest. Maybe then would I be able to find myself.

posted by Lydia @ 11:59 pm