Definition of 'Coping'
I tell any who ask that I'm coping, and compared to say three weeks ago I am coping. But somehow, I almost think my definition of the word differs from what most people see it as, or maybe it's just being sick that makes it different.
I remember once asking in my journal--"If a good day for me is the equivalent of the average persons bad day (and if, say, my worse day is the equivalent of someone-sicker-than-me's good day), then how could anyone really claim that they were having a bad day?"
Now maybe I was just trying to complicate reality or maybe it's all about perspective. Where ever you are on the ladder it's still down when you go down a rung and it's always up when you move up a rung regardless of whether you're five rungs from the ground or twenty.
So I'm coping; I'm up three rungs from a month ago. That simply means that when I open my eyes in the morning I actually want to get up. It means that I'm not heading to the kitchen at tea time with my head full of so much fog that I can't comprehend what my families saying around me; it means that I'm not sitting, eating tea, using up the small remainder of my energy trying to convince myself that despite how bad eating food will make me feel it's worse when I don't eat...It simply just means that at night I'm being able to full-asleep instead of laying there in exhuastion crying from the frustration of it all.
It doesn't mean--as it does to most people who claim they're coping--that I'm finally being able to cope with the many things I'm suppose to be doing. Not at all. There's a whole folder full of notes telling me of things that need to be done in my secretarial stuff. Lately it's been Mum who's ended up having to do most of the critical ones for me. Well, not even lately actually...ever since January when I took it on Mum has been holding up half of it. That frustrates me.
I'm not doing school; I literally have nothing on my plate except for this one commitment that gives me at least one reason to get up in the morning, and yet half the time I can't even seem to manage to do all that it calls for by myself. And it's not like it's a very big thing. It's regular, but it's definitely not an 8-hour a day job.
I just grabbed my dictionary and it says that to cope is 1. to deal successfully (with), or 2. to tolerate or endure. It says that to endure means quite simply "to bear (hardship) patiently". I guess, that's really what it is--being patient. Waiting...
I want to be well. I want to know that I will be well. But really, even if that were to be years off, it would be easier to take if I knew exactly when I'd be normal again. I could dream then knowing that I'd be able to turn the ideas into a plan whenever I wished.
I remember back in January when my Dr. told me I had WTS and most likely Hypothyroidism (oh, and Glandular Fever) Mum and I got rather excited 'cause finally we knew that we'd be able to do something about my condition. I also remember thinking that at the worst--if something went wrong--that at least I should be fairly well by the time my birthday hit. Going by all of the success stories I'd read on the WTS site I was fairly sure I'd be well within the month, then all I'd have to deal with was a bit of Glandular Fever for the next two years.
....yes, well....
I'm finally going to be able to talk to my Dr. this Thursday. She's been real busy, though, lately and I've had to wait a whole month. I just want to be able to do something about my problems. This month has been the pits 'cause I feel like I've gone back to January. There's been no hope of feeling any better 'cause I don't have anything to take that could make any change, and physically I'm exactly as I was back then. Emotionally...well, that's a toss up. In the last five months I wouldnt' wonder if I haven't been frustrated regularly enough, gotten irritated at silly small things, become angry over some things that only deserved to be slightly upset about, and bottled up enough tears to last me the next five years.
Technically I'm probably worse all 'round than I was seven months ago--and my birthday is next week. But at least I'm coping. Trying to anyway...trying to be patient.
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