In the World of Purpose
Ok, I lied (yes, we're actually having a follow up post here from two posts ago *wow*). My doctor's appoinment isn't acutally until Saturday. Mum checked...mums are so wonderful.
You'll be so proud of me. I managed to get all of my dirty cloths washed today. So, they're all still out on the line in the freezing air, except for my darling new pjs which are drying in front of the fire (yes, it's true, I ran out :S). I still had about half a basket full of cloths left over from my trip that hadn't been through the wash system yet, but that was mainly because most of them needed to be hand-washed (well, two of the tops anyway) and last week I'd only been intent on getting the very basics clean.
I'm recovering so much quicker from this trip, though. It was less busy ('cept for the few days at camp), but also I guess I knew I had to take things real careful. We'd get home from shopping and I'd lay out on Rach & Matt's lounge room floor in front of the blow-heater dozing while Rach made tea. And like I was talking over with a friend who has CFS (Cronic Fatigue Syndrome) I had made a plan to recover when I got home which practically ment not even going near the computer. I just slept and ate. Going down with the flu at the same time kind of helped with that. *nods*
~~~*~~~
You know, it's interesting, whilst I was down there I got to say hello to a Naturapath I used to go to (Rach had an appointment with her), and she was asking how everything was going with me (I'd had to change from her to a certified doctor so that I could be treated with prescription medication). I told her how things were kind of a mess and how I hadn't been able to do any school and it was really nice to see her actually smile at my comment to having given up most everything at the moment. I can't remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of just having to enjoy this time and not wishing so much to be able to return to normal life, but instead to find forfillment in doing my best to just get better. Like I've been coming to have to accept, this is just a season.
I know this is kind of funny to say, but she looked almost proud when I told her I'd dropped everything. She's such a wonderfully helpful person and when I had been seeing her I'd come to realise just how frustrating it must be for her when people come in wanting help yet refuse to follow the very simple principle of not pushing themselves when they're sick and so only end up making themselves worse. She pointed out that if I'm not real careful I could very easily get Cronic Fatigue Syndrome. Most people who do get Glandular Fever first, then wham! because they haven't taken care of themselves their bodies just say, "That's it! No more. I'm not going to try and get you better anymore, and so they slip into CFS." So, with my beautiful combination of thyroid diseases and Glandular Fever I'm only one mis-placed step away from having CFS. I'd kind of had an inkling that might be the case go through my mind, and so it was really nice to have a naturapath tell me straight out. It makes it easier to take things real easy knowing that one year of this is way better than the possibility of being this way for maybe 4 more years.
~~~*~~~
The whole idea of thinking of this year as a "sabbatical" is really helping that. See, about a month ago Mum was telling me about this mum on the sonlight forums was sharing how her husband and her had decided to take a years sabatical from homeschooling (meaning that did no so-called school for a whole year). Like, you know how in the old testament it talks about every seven years having a sabatical on your land (meaning you didn't plant any crops that year so that the soil could have a chance to replenish itself). Well, apparently this couple went and looked through all of the examples of taking a sabbatical in the Bible and came to the conclusion that it could apply to them. They'd been homeschooling for 12 years and seriously just needed a break. They have three girls ages something like 11, 14 and 16 so they've decided to do no academics for a year and instead do something a bit like Ma in the Laura Ingalls Wilder series did where she had a set thing for each day of the week. On Mondays she did luandry; housework on Tuesday; baking on Wednesday and so on.
Mum and I thought the idea was so cool! And since I'm not doing any school at the moment I thought I'd take on the attitude of seeing this as more of a sabbatical year instead of as a missed opportunity. So on-
Mondays: I do secretarial duties (meaning all of the newsletters, bank accounts, and correspondence for Matty).
Tuesdays: I do my own secretarial stuff like say for instance writing a birthday card for a friend or sending back library books. That kind of stuff.
Wednesdays: are laundry day. And if I don't have heaps of cloths to wash or simply have more energy I could vacuum our room or something as well.
Thursdays: are sewing day. I so was
not a sewing person before getting sick, but needing more none-physicaly-exhausting activites to do I dabbled my hand in and found that I actually enjoy it. So, I've got a cross-stitch to work on, and when I've finished it Mum has got to long-stitches she wants done so she can put them up in the kitchen. Also, Hannah and I are having our first attempt at crocheting our first little quilt out of granny squares. So far we have enough squares to fit the front of a cushion *grin*.
Fridays: are cook day. I'd been really starting to work on my cooking just before I got real sick, then when I did I just slowly stopped doing any because it just became too exhausting. But I figure it's fun and if I'm seriously going to have a sabbatical year than it has to include at least a little cooking, so even if I spend every Friday making the quickest culinary delights I can find in our cook books at least I'll be learning something.
They're really small daily goals, but just having this system is really helping. I have more of a routine, plus it's given me a purpose. Instead of feeling sorry for myself because of all of the things I can't do I wake up each day with just this one goal and when I get it done I have this real sense of achievement. It's so awesome to be able to think this is a "sabbatical year"
and a getting well year. In that light it almost manages to look like I'm achieving two things this year ;)
~~~*~~~
Oh, and it's my birthday next Friday! The 9th. To announce it officially, I'll be sweet sixteen: never been kissed, never been given chocolates and in every way content with that (if that doesn't make a lick of sense to you then go read the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Josh Harris). And I'm about to go mad trying to figure out what Mum & Dad have gotten me. See, I wrote up this beautifully long list of all the things I'd gladly squeal over if I unwrapped them on my b'day, only to have Mum grin cheekily at me a day later when I asked which ones she'd bought.
"None of them." she replied rather smugly.
My curiosity went up twnety notches into the red mode. "Oh?"
"I'm getting you something else," she goes, "and I was kind of surprised it wasn't on your list 'cause I know you've been wanting one."
"I have?" I couldn't for the life of me think of something I've been wanting real badly that hadn't made it onto that carefully crafted list.
"Well, the really high postage cost was putting me off, so I rang up Rach to run it past her whether she thought you'd still want it...and also to ask her which one you'd like."
Really high postage? The only thing I could possibly want that would cost a mint to ship would be a computer...
now, a plane ticket to American would cost heaps, but wait that wouldn't even be posted.
I was stumped; have been stumped; and currently am stumped. The thing is I wouldn't put it pass Mum to have said the thing about the postage just to put me off. So, seriously I have no idea. lol Jolly Mums. They always get this devilish delight out of doing such things. Not that I'm any different *fondly remembers a certain incident where Josh was totally convinced he was getting green seeds for Christmas*, but hey :P
And he goes, "Oh, like Jesus?"
I managed to get some letters and other stuff done today so I kind of let myself go veg out surfing the net for stuff written on Rich Mullins. There's a lot...and I guess it's 'cause he wasn't your average cheesy Christian artist. I feel almost cheated that I only heard about him after he had died (and never got to go to any of his concerts...lol).
I remember it was one day maybe four years ago, Matt, Tach and I were all squashed in the front cab of the ute driving back from the mailbox (it's half an hour away from our house--so in reality about an hour round-trip just to get the mail), and we were looking through all of the new CDs that had just come from this big order we'd done through Koorong.
Anyhow, somehow Tach had known about Rich Mullins and so when we had been flicking through the Koorong mag picking out CDs she'd said he had to get The Jesus Record. I hadn't heard of him and as a 12-yr old thought the picture of Jesus on the cross on the front didn't look overly inviting, but still I put in my few dollars worth to get it. As it went, Tach pulled out the little slip where they write all of the lyrics and read off the paragraph about Rich having died in a car accident and how his band the Ragamuffins had decided to go ahead and produce the CD he'd been working on.
When I understand something more about an artist I always have more of a motivation (and often more understanding of their lyrics and music) to sit down and really listen to their songs. So it was with, Rich. He was dead, but I was intrigued by the image of a man who "On Setptember 10, 1997, sat down in an old, abandoned church and played nine songs that were to be part of a record he had affectionately termed "Ten Songs About Jesus." This was a new project Rich was just starting called "The Jesus Record," a project Rich said was "needed"-for himeslf and his friends. Just nine short days later, Rich left this world and went to meet jesus, His Saviour and Lord."
I can't think of the word to describe how I felt about a guy sitting in an old, abandoned church singing songs about Jesus...except that it showed me how much this life is about having a personal relationship with Jesus. Before you come to the part about fellowshiping with other believers; before you come to the part about sitting down with the little girl in the street to give her a hug and let her feel God's love; it's about sitting down at an old out of tune piano in an abandoned church having your words to Jesus echo in the empty room before mingling with the song of the birds in worship to the Saviour.
So, we eventually got home and went scrambling to gather every CD player we had in the house to try and listen to as many of our new CDs at once as we could. I really got hooked on Michael W. Smith's album Live the Life, but it was the lyrics of The Jesus Record that made me seriously made me think. The whole thing of internet surfing was pretty new to me at that point, still I ended up spending a few nights reading through pages on Rich Mullins. Because I didn't know anything about Rich Mullins most of what people who saying (this was only about a year after his death so there was heaps of memorial kind of notes and stuff) I didn't fully get, but there was this one thing that his producer Reed Arvin said really stuck with me about how Rich never knew how much money he made.
~~~*~~~
Reed Arvin: One day I asked Rich a question that wouldn't normally be appropriate, but after eight records you've gone through all the appropriate topics a long time earlier. I said, "Bro, what's a typical quarter for you in writing income," 'cause songwriters get paid every quarter. And he said, "I don't know." And I said, "You don't know?" Which kinda didn't surprise me, because he was so flaky, especially about that kind of thing. So I was trying to lead him to the answers, I said, "Well, don't the checks come to your house?"
He said, "No, they don't."
I said, "Where do they go?"
"They go to my church."
"Why do they go to your church?"
"Well, they go to this board of elders that kinda heads over my ministry. And I'm paid the average annual salary (whatever a working man in America is for whatever year it is - I think that year it was like $24,600) and everything else is either given away or used for retirement or whatever. If I knew how much it was, it'd be so much harder to give it away."
~~~*~~~
That stunned me. 'Cause I'm rather a hoarder when it comes to money. Dad used to put my allowance straight into my bank account so as a little kid I knew I had money, but I never saw it in my hand. Then as the hundreds began to pile up it kind of became a game in my mind to see how much I could save up. I don't think I was convinced to part with any of it until after I'd almost reached 1,000 bucks. I couldn't really comprehend then how a guy who probably earned hundreds of thousands a year could give almost all of it up. I suddenly realised that hoarding up money wasnt' a game to me anymore, it was this unhealthy attachment of greed. And my attitude to things that I owned was no better. Alot of the time it still isn't. That short story, though, challenged me to work on my attitude.
It means that I've had to come to hold onto something else so that my fingers would release their hold on money and things I own. I've had to come to hold onto Jesus' love, so that I could learn that there's more joy in saying to my litl'le sister when she asks that, "Sure you can wear my shirt," and have fun seeing how much it makes her feel grown up to wear my cloths, then in knowing that my shirt is safely in my draw where it won't get ripped. 'Cause when you decide to look at life through the eyes of eternity you suddenly realise just how silly it is to hold onto things like cloths when it's the riches that get stored up in Heaven that we'll be living with forever.
Tacked on later...BTW, naturally this post went exactly where I didn't expect it to go. I was just wanting to tell about Rich Mullins, but oh, well I seem to have failed miserably at that *roll*, but I did just find this great article by CCM that explains a lot of what he was. Go read it ;)
Definition of 'Coping'
I tell any who ask that I'm coping, and compared to say three weeks ago I am coping. But somehow, I almost think my definition of the word differs from what most people see it as, or maybe it's just being sick that makes it different.
I remember once asking in my journal--"If a good day for me is the equivalent of the average persons bad day (and if, say, my worse day is the equivalent of someone-sicker-than-me's good day), then how could anyone really claim that they were having a bad day?"
Now maybe I was just trying to complicate reality or maybe it's all about perspective. Where ever you are on the ladder it's still down when you go down a rung and it's always up when you move up a rung regardless of whether you're five rungs from the ground or twenty.
So I'm coping; I'm up three rungs from a month ago. That simply means that when I open my eyes in the morning I actually want to get up. It means that I'm not heading to the kitchen at tea time with my head full of so much fog that I can't comprehend what my families saying around me; it means that I'm not sitting, eating tea, using up the small remainder of my energy trying to convince myself that despite how bad eating food will make me feel it's worse when I don't eat...It simply just means that at night I'm being able to full-asleep instead of laying there in exhuastion crying from the frustration of it all.
It doesn't mean--as it does to most people who claim they're coping--that I'm finally being able to cope with the many things I'm suppose to be doing. Not at all. There's a whole folder full of notes telling me of things that need to be done in my secretarial stuff. Lately it's been Mum who's ended up having to do most of the critical ones for me. Well, not even lately actually...ever since January when I took it on Mum has been holding up half of it. That frustrates me.
I'm not doing school; I literally have nothing on my plate except for this one commitment that gives me at least one reason to get up in the morning, and yet half the time I can't even seem to manage to do all that it calls for by myself. And it's not like it's a very big thing. It's regular, but it's definitely not an 8-hour a day job.
I just grabbed my dictionary and it says that to cope is 1. to deal successfully (with), or 2. to tolerate or endure. It says that to endure means quite simply "to bear (hardship) patiently". I guess, that's really what it is--being patient. Waiting...
I want to be well. I want to know that I will be well. But really, even if that were to be years off, it would be easier to take if I knew exactly when I'd be normal again. I could dream then knowing that I'd be able to turn the ideas into a plan whenever I wished.
I remember back in January when my Dr. told me I had WTS and most likely Hypothyroidism (oh, and Glandular Fever) Mum and I got rather excited 'cause finally we knew that we'd be able to do something about my condition. I also remember thinking that at the worst--if something went wrong--that at least I should be fairly well by the time my birthday hit. Going by all of the success stories I'd read on the WTS site I was fairly sure I'd be well within the month, then all I'd have to deal with was a bit of Glandular Fever for the next two years.
....yes, well....
I'm finally going to be able to talk to my Dr. this Thursday. She's been real busy, though, lately and I've had to wait a whole month. I just want to be able to do something about my problems. This month has been the pits 'cause I feel like I've gone back to January. There's been no hope of feeling any better 'cause I don't have anything to take that could make any change, and physically I'm exactly as I was back then. Emotionally...well, that's a toss up. In the last five months I wouldnt' wonder if I haven't been frustrated regularly enough, gotten irritated at silly small things, become angry over some things that only deserved to be slightly upset about, and bottled up enough tears to last me the next five years.
Technically I'm probably worse all 'round than I was seven months ago--and my birthday is next week. But at least I'm coping. Trying to anyway...trying to be patient.
Promise My Prayers
Promise My Prayers
For three beautiful sisters in Christ: Jolene, Danielle (my kindred spirit), and Kayci[e]. There's been storms in your lives, some rain now, and more to surely come. Like that Third Day song goes: 'I can't stop the rain from falling down on you', and sometimes I can't even 'hold you 'til it goes away', but whether I can give you a hug and a smile or not--I promise my prayers.
Hey now you know it's true
After all that we've been through
You can count on me
When it comes down to the end
I will always be your friend
No matter where you go
I want you to know now
:chorus:
I promise my prayers
I promise my heart
I'll be thinking of you
Wherever you are
When the daylight is done
When the night is so dark
When I cannot be there
I promise my prayers
Down each road we take
We're joined together when we pray
No matter where life leads
I will lift you up
You'll be covered by his love
The angels will find you
I'm here to remind you now
I promise my prayers
I promise my heart
I'll be thinking of you
Wherever you are
When the daylight is done
When the night is so dark
When I cannot be there
I promise my prayers
Beyond our understanding
His hand is moving and we stand amazed
I pray His love will guide you
I know He's there beside you always
Written by: Lowell Alexander, Gayla Borders, Jeff Borders
She Liveths
I have flown back! Had a wonderful trip. Got exhausted. Slept heaps. Met a good handful of wonderful new people. Laughed myself silly on more than one occasion. Froze from the winds of Witner Camp. Ate all of Rach & Matt's yoghurt in the first two days. Only took one photo (wait I didn't even take that one...). Was nicely surprised to discover that Winter Camp winds do wonders to giving your hair 'body'. And was told by a naturapath that the reason I haven't dreamt in the last year a half is because my poor little body has been too exhausted to. Interesting, hey?
And sorry to make this so short, but I just wanted to let y'all know that I'm still alive. I'll get around to a more indepth round-down of my trip sometime later, but for now I need to unpack, we have visitors, I just received a ton of my new Rich Mullins CDs in the mail (over 6 I think) which means about 6 hours of listening, plus I need multiple hours of sleep (not to mention more yoghurt). Oh, and I think I now have time enough to write Jolene a birthday card. Yikes. Sorry it's so late, dearie. Blame it on the mail service?
*ahem* Anyhow, I might be slightly absence still for the next couple of days. Thus I remember: I just found out that a friend of mine's mother had a mini heart attack last week so I need to ring her. Oh, and send the camp booklet of a girl in my bible study at camp back to her (she lost it on the train on her way home). If you want a full insight to my last week, though, before any update is typed up, I'm accepting all in-coming phone calls. Kaycie will give you my number if you don't already have it ;) Love you all and I'll do the rounds of your blogs as soon as I can!
P.S. Isaiah is such a cool book of the Bible. Chapter 43 is still my number one fav.
Within This Warmth
I love showers. *smiles contentedly* Even more, I think I love the cozy snug feeling you feel when all dried off and wrapped up in nice clean cloths afterwards. The feeling gets even better when I know I'm all packed up ready to run off on my next Sydney experience tomorrow. I'm even flying the last leg of the journey, too, and I'm just about as addicted to flying as I am to roller-coasters. Almost that is. Roller-coasters can't be beat. I think it's the whole take off and landing thing where you're belly does that upside-down-flip. It makes my Dad feel sea sick, but I personally can't get enough of it.
I'm still feeling sick...just coping a tad better, I guess. I have a bit of a fever still and am all weak and achy, but yes, it's been almost three days now, so hopefully Mr. Glandular Fever doesn't visit for too much longer. It just picked a terrible time to come visit...
At least it's not as bad as back in January when I could hardly bring myself to get out of bed. Mostly now it's just like being down with the flu. Which was good since I managed to pack. It was kind of weird, actually, 'cause I'm usually so organized that I'll have all my washing done and be packed a couple of days before I leave. Whereas today I got up at around lunch time and stumbled my way out to the cloths line to hang out a few bits of clothing that I'd suddenly realized I wanted to take with me.
And thanks so much for all of your sweet comments from my last post. I never used to be able to be open up about how I felt right in a "current" moment and I guess because I was scared to be so vulnerable. But with you guys I know I can be...you've all been so encouraging; knowing your praying means so much; and you keep pointing me back to God when I need the reminders. You're all so awesome. Thanks :) Love you! And heres to a hug for all of you when I finally get to see you one day. *grin*
Leaving On a Jet Plane
*sings* ...don't know when I'll be back again. That song always comes to mind when I'm about to announce that I'm off again. he..he.. And yes, I'm about to go off again. Back down to Sydney to be exact for Winter Camp.
I wasn't actually going to go coz' as y'all know I was planning to go to Brazil (remember?). But a few weeks ago when I was right in the middle of that extra awful week (wait, I think that was actually three extra awful weeks) and I found out that the medication wasn't working it's grand cure on me, I realised that Brazil was just a dream--nothing more. I thought I was going to be well again by my birthday, but right now it doesn't even look like I'll be getting any school work done this year.
I don't understand. I honestly and truly don't understand. I'm a nut about travel, yet in these last three years I've only been able to hop onto an over-seas plane once. I want to learn so many things, yet I haven't even been able to do school for over six months, neveralone take a photography or design course. I love to encourage and help people, yet the only such words I seem to see these days are the ones said to me.
Why, God? Why? Why? Why? For goodness sakes just look at how this post has gone. I was kinda of laughing to start with, now I'm in tears. Why? Why is my life like this? Why is it I'm forced to exchange a six week missions trip for a four day camp? Why is it I suddenly have a fever like when a GF relapse is coming on two days before I go away? Why?
I know you're leading me. But, Lord, right now I feel lost.
What is it you want me to learn? I'm coming back to you. I'm trying to simply smile and glorify you even when I can't do anything else. Why more of this then? I know I asked you to break me. I know I keep asking you to fill me up so that it's only You that spills out of me. I know I asked You to humble me. But, oh Lord...I feel so ashamed to asked, but inside of my head I'm asking it already--how much longer? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. This waiting; this suspenced between living once and living someday; being in this tear filled emptiness. How much longer?
I know I'll only know the answer when the end has come, but until then please hold me Jesus. Hold me. 'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
The Ultimate Quote
Check this one out...
~~~
When you've finished eating, do you put your food back on the table?
~~~
-Hannah (12)
Hannah was trying to say "When you've finished eating off say a piece of pizza are you allowed to put the rest of the piece back on your plate?" But something went drastically wrong with the message as it traveled between her brain and her mouth.
And Mum was like, "What am I suppose to think of--except vomit?" 'Cause thing about it...once "you've finished eating" how can you "put your food back on the table"?
Yes, well...lets not think about such things.
The Only Time
Just 'cause I think their fairytale wedding deserves a small spot in my journal :) I love that they met during the Olympic Games here in Australia. That's just so cool. Also, take a real close look at the veil she's wearing. Isn't that just the prettiest lace? Apparently it's the same veil that the Prince's grandmother wore at her wedding, so it's like decades old!
**~**
In the latest Rich-Mullins-mad-CD-buy episode I
lost the Pictures in the Sky album that I really, really,
and really wanted *wails* Some nasty little toad came and bidded way above me in the last two minutes of the auction. So, even if I was willing to go higher than he bid (which I wasn't) I still wouldn't have had time to out bid him. Oh, well...to look on the good side of that morning, there was actually another rare Rich Mullins CD that the same guy was selling and I won it.
Problem was he only said he'd post within America. Naturally, our wonderful
Kaycie had volunteered to have it sent to her house and then she'd send it on to me. Under the strong influence of my Mum I asked the guy if he wouldn't be willing to post to Oz. Nice fellow that he was, he agreed to do it.
Under even more influence from my Mum I then asked him whether he just happened to have any other Rich Mullins CDs that he'd be willing to sell. He said he had one. I didn't have that one, so I said I'd love to buy it too.
Now this is where things got interesting. On the end of one of his messages he just happened to ask whether I originally came from Austrlia and also how I'd come to know of Rich Mullins. We got into a lovely little discussion there for a few messages, and it turns out he's as much of a Rich Mullins obsessor as I am
and to boot even comes from Rich's home town in Kansas!
Then he was like, "You know, I have two more Rich Mullins CDs that I'd be happy to sell to you for $6 bucks each. I know I can pick them back up around here again for the same price." Then on the very bottom there's a "P.S. I just remembered I have this CD by this other guy who's a lot like Rich Mullins. I wouldn't say as good as him, but if you'd like I'll sell you that CD as well for $3."
Just how nice is that? I couldn't belive it. This one stranger finds out you're an Aussie with a bent for Rich Mullins and suddenly they're bending over backwards to help you complete your Rich Mullins collection. I don't think there could possibly be a cooler ebayer anywhere ;)
**~**
It was so funny last night. It was around 1:30am and I was just coming out of the lounge room to go to bed, when looking down the back verandah I see Caleb (9) playing Age of Empires on the computer.
I'm like, "What on earth are you doing up?!"
Without taking his eyes off his game he replied, "It's the only time I can get the computer."
The only time... I burst out laughing.
Yes, we have a big family. Yes, we only have one computer with internet access. And yes, it's the little boys who usually miss out on their hour a day. But to compensate they get up real early in the morning to get their hour of Age of Empires in before Mum gets up and school starts. Because of the shorter days in winter they've lately been getting up when it's still been dark out. By some funny twist of fate Caleb had woken up at one o'clock and knowing no different had thought it was 6:00 in the morning! Talk about "the only time I can get the computer"... Mum and Dad thought is was hilarious when I told them. lol
Quote of the Moment
Josh just bought two CDs from a fellow homeschool family not long ago. Anyhow, they arrived in the mail y'day and rushing off to the nearest CD player we popped in the Speechless one by Steven Curtis Chapman. It is soooooo good. Chapman has some truly great lyrics and some cool tunes.
Well, I love to sit down and read through the lyrics of new CDs we get, so I was doing this last night when I came to the "Steven's Thanks" spot. I don't know if I'm just weird or what but sometimes I actually read through these ridiculous long paragraphs of peoples names. Reading through his sweet words to his wife, I skimmed on to the end where the usual thanks to God reside. They were there. Then added on the very end was this sentence:
~~~
May out words seem more and more inadequate as our hearts become more and more aware of how astonishing the gospel of Jesus Christ truly is.
~~~
-Steven Curtis Chapman
